Why being social matters
Investing in talking to others
I used to be in my head about talking to others a lot. I’d feel like I had nothing to talk about.
Now I don’t mind talking to a stranger on a subway in NY or something.
A couple days ago, I went to the city for my birthday and I went to a drag event. It felt good to be around a lot of people. I used to get anxious about not knowing what to say if someone walked up to me or something. Now, it feels pretty good to just let go of the expectation that I should be ready with a response before someone finishes speaking.
Anywho, here’s why I think socializing is important, along with some pointers to see connecting with others as an easy rather than stressful thing.
Two types of socializing
Talking to people is a skill. But most people don’t think of it that way, which is why they don’t actively practice this as being a skill.
The simple reason why you need to practice talking to people is because you need to do it for a lot of things. A lot of the results you get for things will depend on how a conversation goes with someone. For example, you need to be able to convince, encourage, or motivate others in conversations.
In general, there’s two times when you talk to someone
When you need to (e.g., in an interview or during a presentation at work)
When you don’t really need to (e.g., you’re walking down the street, but you don’t need to talk to the stranger walking by)
I think the “hardest” one for people is the second one–when you don’t really need to but you sort of casually have to. In situations when you’re attempting to make new friends or talking to coworkers, it can be easy to shrivel up and feel like you need to say the right thing. Because for an interview you can prepare for it, but it’s different when you’re talking to someone on the fly.
So when you’re casually talking to someone, is the goal to speak well? Or is it to just be yourself? How do you casually speak to someone in a way that keeps things interesting for both parties?
I think the answer lies in investing into the interaction.
I’ll explain.
Investing in an interaction
I don’t have tips to list for this, but I can talk about it. You might understand it better that way, too.
Over the past three years, ever since I first decided I wanted to be an entrepreneur, I’ve gotten interested in learning how to talk to others as best I can. This came from my desire to experience life at its fullest (since I was on a spiritual awakening journey type of thing), but to also help people the best way that I can with a business.
This is what I tried.
I practiced “socializing better” by first trying to have a high-energy personality. Then I realized this took too much energy to do. Socializing with people isn’t supposed to be exhausting.
I also played the role of the motivator–to find the brighter side in the things in all conversations I had. But that felt like I was trying to push an agenda onto people.
I also tried to be the type of person that was way too relaxed in a conversation, but then I felt like I might be coming across as uninterested.
I tried being super relaxed in conversations, but it felt inauthentic because why would I suppress or downplay excitement or happiness that I felt during a conversation.
Then I tried being relatable to everyone I spoke to in a conversation, but that felt phony as well. I knew it was okay to disagree with people, or that it was normal to not have anything in common and still have a great conversation.
After trying all of these things, this is what I realized.
…that having the desire to invest in a conversation with someone is key.
This is what will help you socialize to the best of your ability.
And listen to this–even if you aren’t interested in a conversation with someone, you can still socialize well and have the conversation flow in a way that makes both parties interested in what’s being said.
The truth is, we can learn a lot from others. Even if what we think someone is saying is uninteresting or boring, we can always switch the dial in our minds and “make ourselves” be interested in what’s being said.
Someone can literally talk to you about why they love pistachios, and even if you aren’t necessarily a fan of pistachios, you can still be interested in the conversation.
Because wanting to be invested in a conversation with someone is more than just listening and responding just to get someone out of your way. It’s investing in listening and understanding what they’re saying with an aim to get to know them better and learn something new about the world, them and even yourself.
In other words, you have to want to get to know the person as much as possible.
This doesn’t just apply to new people you meet for the first time; you can still get to know a friend even more for example.
If someone is complaining about something, get to the root of why they’re complaining about it. Ask them more questions instead of just following along or agreeing to everything they say on autopilot.
Practice seeing the person as a real human being with real pain points, because everyone you talk to is either struggling with something or is interested in solving something.
Practice active listening. Truly pay attention to what someone is saying to you without feeling like you need to have a response ready before they even finish speaking.
Practice engagement. Showcase your curiosity by asking thoughtful questions. People love when you’re interested in what they’re saying. Try to deepen the conversation. I used to fear being nosey. But trust me, that’s not what the other person is thinking—they’re thinking you’re pretty cool for wanting to know more about them.
Practice emotional presence. Be open and present, rather than distracted or disengaged.
Practice contribution. Adding value to the interaction. Whether through insight, encouragement or shared experiences.
Practice reciprocity. Make an effort to understand the other person’s perspective and ensure the interaction benefits both parties.
All of this is important because you want to be able to talk to others in a way that makes both parties interested, in such a way that the other person senses your interest in the conversation.
Let me know if you found this article helpful.